J2Ski Forum Posts and Replies by pavelski

I found this on a American ski site. I am sure my fellow skiers on this site will enjoy the following;

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

Rossfra8,

Of course not! It is the ropeways that he is promoting. They are very modern. You get a very long pole to help you balance yourself as you walk up the ropeways.

The free cars are for any skier that makes it to the top!

That is why I love to be part of this site, So much color and varied cultural differences. It would take year for Dave to explain the subtle differences between marketing and chatting.

Mike,

Think how he skis. Think of someone else who also was a jodo expert, drove old gull-wing Mercedes Benz Sports car,and skied even faster!
Loved powder skiing. Created a famous saying, "fuddle duddle"!

Danced behind the Queen's back at Buckingham.

Should I continue.

Yes skiing has brought me much!

It all started with a careless comment from a politician. “They can’t ski’ soon was a headline in many newspapers. As I read this headline never did it enter into my mind that it would involve me.

As always you need some context to fully appreciate this unusual ski free story. If you have read some of my postings, I am sure you are getting a “picture” of unusual skier I am. Let’s be honest very “different”, and you have no idea of the……… humps!

Let just start with a confession. I learned very early that I had this addiction to skiing. My parents tried all sorts of ways to get me off what they called “dead-end” activity. Society also tried via poor school marks, poor model references and monetary incentives to get me off this “addiction”.

What they all did not consider was that I am a fast learner and stubborn! In short I get what I want. I wanted to ski. No, I wanted to breath skiing, sleep skiing, live skiing. I had to find a way to do. As all smart addicts I covered up my addiction and found ways to fuel this wonderful addiction. In short I became a success!

My 20-year secretary never knew I was such a ski fanatic. No ski pictures in my office. All my students, yes I must now reveal that I taught in university (please do not hold this against me) never even questioned my “sudden trips” to far of lands. I arranged my life so that I could take off for a year if needed. I found great research projects in places no researcher ever wanted to go to except me (there was a great ski resort in town)!

Now back to that comment. As you all know you can say many negative things to a skier but to say, “you can’t ski” that is a no no and to do it publicly! Are you ready for the shocker?

It was addressed to men and women who were the most fit, most dedicated, and most sports minded persons in the world. Their job was to “protect” this man you see he was very important person and killing him would have made other headlines. The problem was that he was an expert skier, not one of those “media skiers” who goes to Vail for the annual snowflake bunny events. He skied hard and fast.

I thought my cover was good and few people knew about my addiction, seems this organization can get their man ,,,,, I got a phone call. They are looking for a person who can keep his mouth shut, travel everywhere in the county where there is skiing and at any time! “Why”, I asked since this project seemed “fishy” Seems a small group of highly motivated, highly fit persons needed to “up-grade” their skiing skills,,,,,FAST. Like yesterday!

Have you heard of Paris Island? Well I originated a similar project but on snow! I will not go into detail here (but if allowed I will share with you later some “incidents”) but let me just tell you what my job description was.
I was to over a 5-month period take 20 persons and make them top level expert skiers so that they could then individually become ski instructors. That had to ski all day without stopping, while carrying various electronic material and weapons. Is that a dream job?

The sole initial purpose of this project was to make that politician “eat his words”. In short to ski the hell out of him” In short get group pride back! You see he had a technique where by he would “pretend” to go to the easy runs for the “cameras” and media types. Then very quickly slip into a trial going into the expert sections, thus often skiing alone for a few hours while the support teams were looking everywhere in the resort for him!
He was playing cat and mouse with his protection staff but also risking international “problems” It had to stop. I was the solution.

I asked to ski with his team as a “gofor” man. To analyse his ways to slip away. Clearly he was better than all of them. He used the woods and “cutoffs” as escape routes very much like a groundhog that has many “doors”. He did this in the early morning, since he was not fit as they were. He always waited for a steeper section in order to gain speed and challenge his “followers”. You either fell or lost him! He always won and they always lost!

Soon very soon we would teach him a lesson. That was my job. I decided to be him and we would play a game called follow the leader. So everytime a team was “off” I would train them to follow me wherever I when. Remember no one knew about this, so patrollers would see 10 skiers going into woods at odd angles. Skiing slowly gracefully, then all of sudden in a group spastic move speed up and take off a small cliff ( I stress small). I wish I could have video-taped this.

One of the major problems also was that they were not very well equipped. He had the latest skis, boots, jacket. They had the regulate gouvernment issue equipment. Once I got them the very very best ski material, they would do anything I asked! No more,, “well you have those XXX skis” if I got to bottom before them!

I did say I was stubborn! Did I also say I am very much like a cruise missile and that once I accept a project I do it until it is a success. Failure is not an option! I knew I could not get this team, in 10 months to “his” level of skiing competence. He started skiing as a child and yes was known as a wild skier. I had to slow him down! This is where my ski tuning knowledge was very valuable. I applied all ski tuning rules,,,IN REVERSE! I wanted his skis to be slower.

I needed to do this for two reasons. The team needed a serious ego-boost! They did not believe that they could follow (and protect) him! He needed a serious ego-burst. For his own safety but also as a respect to them!

Here’s what I did. Under a security check guise I waxed his skis with gradual layers of slower wax type. Thus as he skied more,,,the slower his skis became. I also placed his bindings back two inches. This caused his skis to be less quick and it caused his brain to be confused since he was not getting skiing feel!

As “gofor” of the team watched the ski day evolve. I watched as a great skier became confused, unsure and “humble”. I watched as the team skied better, faster and with more pride. Three times he tried his old tricks. Three times the team reeled him in like a fish!
The ultimate reward came at the end of the day, when HE the man that never stopped on ski hill to talk to them paid them all a beer and talked about, that drop and that trail they all took. “And how did you find me once I took that closed trail” he asked! It was a trap we had laid for him since we wanted to get him on a “closed” trail so that the whole team could pass him,,,then wait at bottom like he did many moths ago! Pay back time for his comment! He was man enough to acknowledge it, eat crow and still pay for the beer. The one and last time he did.

As a write this to you, beside me is the beer mug he used to “honor” his staff for a little ego-bursting we all need!

There is the Special GT crutch model.

Silver,

The most important element is water and more water! Not energy drinks, power drinks or Red Bull drinks. Avoid them.

Just water. Typically I bring four bottles with me and hide one on top and one at bottom of my favorite runs. The other I keep in my packsac.

In the Spring time I also roll tape over bottle and write AIDS VICTIM since I have found many skiers have no problem in sampling my water!

I also make my own nut bag. Just select the various nuts/fruits you like in a large wholesale store. Then make smaller bags.

I never buy or eat those "energy bars"! Too much sugar, too much x,y, z and too expensive!

I do recommend sucrose tabletes, which you can get at any pharmacy!They will tell you what it is all about!

And more water!!!

Silver,

You never apply. You are selected!

You are asked!

Read last posting on topic coming up!!

You seem to be in a no win situation. You love skiing and you love your family but it seems something has to give. Money is flowing out the window. Skiing will have to be “forgotten” for a couple of years until the family is more secure and the kids grow up.

This ski free presentation is addresses to those young families. May I suggest that it does not have to be a “no win” situation and the benefits of a skiing family go far beyond just physical fitness as you will see in this presentation.

First let me discuss those “impressions”.
1.Money will always flow out anyway, even if you quit skiing.
2.Skiing will not get cheaper.
3.The kids will never grow up.

Once you refuse to even consider abandoning skiing for the family, you will then discover other options. In my case it was skiing every weekend and then some. One week during school break. One week skiing just with wife and of course at least one week with all the “fellow” skier in Spring. That was my minimum. I suspect you know that I am like a mule when it comes to skiing and also that I like to find new unorthodox solutions. With this 10 year project I really found happiness.

To appreciate this project you must remember what we discussed in the early messages about; ski business, bottom line and being a “canoe” in getting your objective. You have to fnid a situation that will make you happy and the other person also happy You both win!

Before I begin to explain this ski free project I should give you some back ground information. By the 1970”s skiing WAS big business. Huge financial companies were buying ski resorts, not because they liked skiing, but because of the land! That land beside the runs were now pure goal! Skiers wanted to ski in- ski out! The condo explosion was on! I could not afford this option, nor did I want to move to skier suburbia!

There are a few,,very few family owned ski resorts. Alta being the best example. There are great advantages to this. You will discover them if ever you take this project seriously! Near my home was such a center. It was owned by one man who bought a mountain, developed it and managed it. It was going to be my ski center! It had a small hotel/cafeteria/bar complex at the base.

There was a job at this center that no one wanted. Essentially you had to supervise the instructors, listen to skier complains about the instructors and solve client problems. I accepted it, with one condition. I would also be the “janitor” on the weekends. That is close bar, check all doors, make all fire rounds. I did not want a salary, rather a condo unit for family, meals at cafeteria and lift pass ! It was accepted,since they were always having problems getting someone for the weekend! For 10 years my family and I skiing every weekend plus some under these conditions

This arrangement was more profitable than I had planned! My children learned a great deal about skiing, life and “strange” social habits that they would have never seen.
They could answer some questions that I am sure you as adults now could not. See how you rate. Answer the following;

Can you flush down a toilet a Teddy Bear?

Is it possible to melt an American Express card behind a base header?

What is the smallest hole space a mouse needs to get into a room?

What happens when a skier places a zipper into an electrical wall plug?

5.How fast can you go down a ski run on a bar service tray?

Who will win this race up a ski run? A nude man with a very light bed sheet or a women with a very long heavy knife?

How do you get a porcupine out of the women’s washroom.

8.How fast do you have to go in a car to go up a ski slope and then veer to ditch?

9.How many drunk male teenagers can get into a police van?

Can a man’s wallet be flushed down a toilet? If yes then how many hammer blows is needed to break toilet bowl?

Can a kitten survive for three days in the “lost and found” bin?

Why do adults moan and groan next door after skiing?

What happens on the first honeymoon night when the female skier has broken her leg?

14.What do you do when there is a major storm, roads are closed and you have 200 girls from a private school in lobby?

List the 10 most comment “lines” men use in bar!

List 5 ways to get into a hotel room ( with the key)!

Make a list of the most frequent “forgotten” articles in a room?

What is the BULL WHEEL?

19.What is the best way to attract a bear into your room?

What should a skier NEVER bring into his/her room.

I discovered many years later that this project had some very positive aspects on my children.

Imagine this. An 16 year old adolescent buy bringing his girlfriend up a chair lift on a beautiful full moon night, with candles on each side of the chair. Then skiing all alone down deserted runs!!!!!

If you have young boys you know how fascinated they are to trucks, pay-loaders and tractors. Imagine this. A 11 year old boy in a Bombardier BR snow groomer. What power he must have felt! Seems owner often would take Sasha, my youngest boy on grooming trips. Later,,much later I found out he was the youngest licensed groomer around and had in fact “helped” around even before he had a car license!

In conclusion, do not give up skiing. Find ways to “finance” your skiing! List your talents and find ski resorts that need your talents. Then go out and sell your talents.

It can be done!


Oh,,,I am sure you are still wondering about that race! The women won!