Worst skiing presents

Another Christmas has gone by and now you are looking at all the "gifts" Santa gave you. Everyone knows you are a "fanatic" skier so in front of you are the many gifts you received. Some appreciated but some you wonder;how to use them, how you can change them or how you can pass them along to others.

Here are my list of "skiing gifts" that are the very worst ones ever!!!

1. Plastic ski /pole carriers
You have all seen this articles hanging locked over ski racks, rails etc...
Forgotten or just donated to ski center for the Summer clean up crew.
Useless plastic articles. 5 minutes of "correct" ski carrying technique will convince all skiers never to buy these articles. I will use my as a small tree tutor!

2. Anti-ski cross attachments
We all at one point had ski crossing problems. A skiing phase! The worst article to stop ski crossing is this contraption. It is like the famous rubber crutch which looks good to non-skiers but when you do glue on or drill on you very quickly realize the added problems it creates.

3. The hollow ski pole wine container!
Some skiers love to be fully equiped and do not realize the difference from "survival" material and social material. These poles are actually a "traveling bar". Handles screw on ,,allowing wine, rum or other drinks to be stored. A very small cup is provided!

4. Snow scrapper
Another gadget that is screwed or glue to top of ski. Used to take out snow from soles of ski boots. Again seems perfect to non-skiers. They do not know that top of bindings can do same function.

5. Wax pads.
Small package of 10 pads with wax on all pads. Just take out wipe and ski. Seems great and cheap at 25 euros! Except; after two turns all wax is gone. You pollute the ski area with pads! You block base "pores" with chemicals that will take you 30 minutes to take out.


6. Goggles with electric fan
To the skier that has it all. These goggles have a battery set in the elastic and a small fan which creates just enough wind to make you blink at least 10 times per second.
An excellent option on these goggles is a "high speed" option which will create a "venturi- effect" very much like Formula 1 cars so that you can actually "take off" for at least 15 seconds
The only "practical" use of these goggles is in the bar to blow away the "condensation" from the body heat of all the skiers around you. There was one women who also discovered by chance that if she wore these goggles in a bar, she could sprinkle some serious perfume near the fan, thus creating a wider "kill zone"!

7. Some gifts are "dated"! They reflect the buying strategies of the donor!
Some people fined "deals", then buy out all the inventory. Slowly every year they pass along their treasures to others. Here are some;
-boot tree. You have no idea what a boots tree is? Well you must be 50 or less. Next time you are alone with a +50 skier ask what a boot tree is. You will get an excellent historical thesis about the evolution of ski boots.

-Long thong. Yes yes I know this is a "family" oriented site. The thongs I am referring to are straps. Those old skiers were very liberated and I am sure they will tell you a great deal about suffering and long thongs so again ask them to tell you about their "long thong" ski adventures. Yes the stories are all true. Ha,,,, the pleasures of long thongs!!!!

-ski edge sections. Another great ski gift in the 1960's. A must if you were a serious Spring skier. In those days you had to be trained by a watch maker in using a tiny jeweler's screwdriver to get all the screws into the ski.

-wine sac. In skiing there are traditions that appear from nowhere and reflect a period. The wine bladder was such a "tool"! Another series of lessons were needed to learn how to use this instrument. A beginner was quickly identified with wine all over white jacket,wet lips on spout, and wine in left ear!

I must confess I have kept the worst gift for last.

All my friends know I am a ski gypsy, ready to go anywhere to ski. This year they promised not to give me useless ski gifts so they got together and bought me :
-three month ski pass to Wengen
-two weeks in ski chalet in December 2006
-Free guide service this week.
- the very best powder skis,,, Atomic Sugar Daddys which I can use on my European powder trip!!!

I hope you all have more snow in 2007!
Cheers!

PS
Go ahead tell us the great gifts you got!

Only ski related things i got for Christmas was the DVD Corduroy, which is really good. I got some boots about 6 weeks ago that my Christmas money has partly paid for. I got mainly money which i will probably use for some new salopets/ski pants before i ski in Feb.